Throw away account obviously but I’m sitting here, on a Friday night alone. I recently split off with my fiancee of 2 years, we were supposed to be wed in a few months. Shes off partying and living life up, and I’m happy for her. We still live together for the time being before our lease ends. This is exactly how my previous relationship ended. Ironic. She has a social circle to support her.
Well, throughout the course of 5 years, I have slowly burned many bridges of friends and over the course of 10 years, have destroyed many women’s perception of trust. The list goes on. My regret and guilt is an all time high.
On top of this, my family doesn’t really know the real me. I have such a hard time making connections with them and others at this point of my life.
I am seeking to rectify the entire situation by trying some therapeutic techniques. AMA.
I’m pretty similar and started going to psychiatrist who thinks I’m bipolar 2 which is a more mild mood instability so put me on a mood stabilizer. Only been like 6 weeks so tbd if it’s working yet. Ive also cut out drugs and binge drinking and also shifted friends accordingly as i realized a lot of my life was spent with superficial friends that are all about the next party etc
Good luck to you and your journey. I was on a few different classes of mood stabilizers and even anti depressants. Decided after years that they just didn’t work out, unless I actively engaged in positive change as well. I resorted to teaching myself DBT techniques and they have been somewhat helpful. I would also benefit from seeing a DBT therapist specialist if one was ever offered but there seems to be none in my area willing to take new patients with my insurance.
Im proud of you for cutting out drugs, they are certainly fun but be wary, the fun doesn’t last forever and it comes with a heavy price. Just be aware is all. I’m sure you already are.
I actually realized the same way, and looking to grow into a social circle where it would benefit me to act more my age, ie entering my 30s and becoming more of a masculine man, financially responsible and physically on top of my game. I am regaining my confidence back and I’m slowly falling in love with myself again. It’s a challenge but, I’m glad you are also seeking new social circles that align with your current values. So happy for you friend. You’re on the right path.
Have you spent time, effort and money on actual therapy and begun the actual work of correcting your issues? If not, why? Is this just an attention-seeking post to not have to actually fix yourself in order to feel better?
Yes, I spent years on therapy. I’ve also spent just as much time attempting to self correct when I could find the chance to. I’ve been in numerous situations over the years to give me the opportunity and I’m eternally grateful for each one. Take the time to read through the rest of these comments, so you can see what I’ve been through, because I’ve answered this question before.
deleted by creator
That’s weird, well, I wish I could help you but I joined lemmy because its a reddit alt, so I’m unsure how to fix that for you. Are you trying to send me a DM?
It appears to be a federation glitch. No, not that I’m aware. I’m sure admins will sort it eventually. I was able to see the rl thread by visiting the post on your instance, but not my own post. I’m going to delete the photo now because reasons. I hope you are able to sort the issues. Best to you.
Ah I understand now. Well, thank you very much. I hope so too. Have a nice life. Take care now.
You’re welcome. Introspection and shadow work is hard, messy, painful and plain dirty work. I hope you are able to do the work with understanding, compassion and forgiveness of self and others. These issues could likely stem from wounding, even way back to early childhood. They probably served as a mechanism of self-protection. But they’re not serving you well now. Feelings and logic don’t always align, but with diligence and compassion for yourself, healing is possible. I do wish you all the best. And thank you for your good wishes.
I was operating so automatically throughout my younger years, not realizing that the exact reasons I was getting into deep shit were just numerous symptoms of a far larger problem stemming from early trauma. So yes, I do agree with your sentiment. Its quite damaging, playing the victim card throughout the years, only to realize that I should’ve been playing the healing + growth cards instead, choosing to learn from my mistakes and accept the responsibility of mistakes. We are fundamentally self-preserving creatures, so I wouldn’t doubt that most of my ill-actions come from a form of cope that I found useful when I was younger, but realize now that it doesn’t serve me any longer. Cheers to you. Thanks again.
Would you consider monkhood as a possible prospect for your future?
This is hilarious because I’m actually deeply interested in spirituality and philosophy. I love to think about the world and beyond. I don’t really concern myself with other humans, and when I find I do, I end up presenting a tattered mess as a result. Mostly gossiping etc, nothing truly productive.
Then you have a fallback option it things don’t work out. Just try not to become an evil cult leader please.
Ironic because most of my Youtube history is about documentaries involving cult leaders or peoples of influence - usually of darker or colorful pasts that lead them to make not so great decisions in the end.
Do you have substance abuse problems? Sounds like some folks I have known who have had an alcohol problem.
Yes, I started smoking cigs + weed in my teen years sparingly for fear of being caught by family. I was a good two shoes and kept my nose clean until I turned 21, then I became a really heavy drinker. Not an alcoholic, but going out with friends, I realized I needed to drop almost twice the amount of cash in order to feel something, not necessarily use it to make conversation easier, but to feel the effects lol. At 25, I then dove into psychs and disso, and boy, my life changed. It’s been…interesting and I do NOT want to give that experience up at all. I feel liberated knowing and seeing things that most people would wait lifetimes to perceive. At least, that’s what I believe. Entering my 30s, I’m actually surprisingly sober now. Hence, why I am now suffering the consequences of my actions throughout my 20s and being ultra-destructive to self and others. What an interesting life so far.
Burned bridges how? Like making unfounded accusations or somehow you become distant or ghosting their feelings.
I’m just gonna quote myself from an earlier comment:
“That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being.”
Do you like cats?
I’ve one cat that I shared with an ex, and she took him when we split up. I loved him to death. I realize I am more of a cat person than dog person. Simply for the hygienic reasons of it.
Aww that’s too bad. Would you get another cat?
That won’t solve my pressing issues at hand. At least, in a way that I can see directly and immediately benefits me. Perhaps in the future, I will get a new cat, when I can afford to live by myself. It’s expensive here.
Since I can ask anything, what are your plans tomorrow?
I will try to sell some items I own, as I am currently in between jobs and my cars registration is going to expire in a few weeks. Otherwise, what I usually do nowadays is make coffee, eat barely food as I am dead broke, go to the gym, work out for 3 hours and play video games or browse the internet. I am trying to stop consuming so much adult content as well, as I realize it’s shaping an unhealthy mind for me to hold.
That’s eerily similar to my day to day as a broke grad student lol. If you’re going to cut out content, you should probably replace it with something. Is there a hobby you have been interested in?
Honestly, I have 3 degrees, and the job market has been ridiculous. I suppose I only have myself to blame for not picking my major as Business or something easily marketable. I have been getting back into watching anime. Other than that, no. All the hobbies I want to pursue cost money. I cant parse anything out for that at the moment.
Probably too much of this resonates lol.
How did you afford 3 degrees?
Also, you mentioned you live at a different tempo than most people - if you meant literally tempo, are you faster or slower?
I’m sorry that you relate to my story, but just know, at the end of a dark night, the bright sun rises again in the morning. You’ll live my friend, and I’m proud of you for getting so far.
When I was 18, I started working 30 hours a week, then picked up another part time job for 15ish hours a week. On top of that, I decided to go to school (community college) full time and try to bang it out as quick as possible. The only problem? I entered undecided on my major for the first 2 years until I decided on one. After that, it took me an additional 2 years to graduate with my AA. Got super burnt out with over crowding my schedule, so I decided it was best to take things slow. I worked 40 hours for a big company, for a few years and while back then I transferred to a Uni, where i got my BS after 2 years of hard work. During this time, I was busy with figuring out how to incorporate moving to a different city because of relationship matters at the time. After this, I decided to grab another AA, as it was a program to a trade school for a career move that I really wanted at the time. Then, alot of shit hit the fan. I lost all motion, so I’m just taking life day by day. Theres no need to push myself so hard when I was constantly stressed during my 20s. Chronically throughout, but now? My 30s? I feel like I can finally explore so much of what I missed in my 20s.
I am not going to sugar coat it - I have been psycho evaluated multiple times, they have dx me with some LD such as ADHD, so when I wasn’t on medication for that, my brain is literally running almost at 100% all the time, with no sign of stopping and it’s great. I feel mentally quick, and uppers or stimulants are really my favorite tool to exploit my intellect. I would like to say I’m well versed in the realm of psychology and philosophy, but when it comes to actually being an empathetic human? Well, let’s just say I’m finally starting my journey. I will say this however: I would trade all my IQ for an equal amount of EQ instead. It would benefit me to just be - happier in a sense. Ignorance is bliss, so they say. I’m not hyper intelligent by any means. I just have lots of special interests that I pour hours of my life into and I will continue to collect hobbies and master them as I grow through life.
How did u manage to burn all bridged and piss off all people? That take a particularly special amount of assholery in my experience.
Have u just given up on ur relationship what did u do to make it unsalvageable?
I was constantly complaining about “fake friends” and how people were being inauthentic to themselves and similar themes to that. This was all over my social medias where I just know everyone was talking about me in their private group chats which is understandable. Looking back on it, I don’t blame them for leaving, but I am learning day by day so it’s getting easier to live with.
I am about 90% done with it - even though we still live together. She went to a festival over the weekend with her friends and I’m happy for her but deep down, I am living in spite because that should be me with her there but then again, I live at a different tempo than most people, so I suppose our differences were irreconcilable. We spent the last few days crying to each other, mourning the relationship. It was painful. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t budge and I’m sort of glad she hasn’t. Simply because I know I still have some more soul searching to do. To answer your last part, I had lost my job almost half a year ago and she has been supportive throughout the whole process - but the person that left that job to the person who I was recently experienced a transition. One so negative, that it drove the relationship south, because I was becoming overly critical, being financially dependent on her, thus giving her an incredibly insurmountable and exponentially growing mountain of stress that she had finally gotten tired of. Our small fights and arguments evolved into bursts of emotion and passion. I have intimacy issues, and it showed up in our last spat - where I threatened leaving her again. That was the last straw. Since then, experiencing deep pain, knowing I’ve been self sabotaging yet again, oh what a joy it is to live life, to constantly learn but man, does it hurt lol
Do u happen to have bpd?
Tried therapy or counseling of sone sort? The fact that understood the problem, will make therapy eady to accept IMO. So if you haven’t tried, I highly recommend it.
Yes I have, I’ve had multiple sessions spanning from different providers with different credentials each (psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, LMFT) and all these different visits spanned across years of my life. Between 3-5 years now that I recall. I don’t regret most, but I regret some. I’ve told some of them some very traumatizing things and can’t help but feel judged as a human, even though they are literally paid to not judge me. It’s a difficult thing to balance in my brain right now.
Finding a right therapist is actually very difficult. Were you able to do therapy regularly? Or it was more like you saw them only during crisis? If it was irregular due to bad experience with therapists, it should not discourage you to seek help again.
I don’t know anything about you other than what you said in the post. But my gut feeling is that you need some for of intervention, and good guidance on how to work out things. In another comment you mentioned about spirituality. There are counselling services associated with different religious institutions. That can also be an option. But again, as my psychiatrist ones said, it is difficult to find a good psychologist who won’t influence you with their own personal biases.
If you have good savings, and can afford to not work for a few months, then some form of retreat into a less chaotic place can also be a good idea.
I was unsuccessful in finding the right therapist for me. It has been a difficult journey. I learned that it takes two to tango especially when it comes to therapy, and thats most likely why I wasn’t able to get the most out of therapy. I wanted to say that the personality or mask that I presented to the therapists that I met were not me, they weren’t genuine representations of myself and so maybe that’s why I wasn’t able to fully learn from the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against therapy at all, I 100% encourage it in my life, I just want to make sure I find one that I click with, but knowing me, it’s hard because I have trust issues.
I absolutely agree with you, I have been forcing myself to have these moments of learning that are unavoidable - that is to say, that I need to confront whatever it is that I have a problem with, right there and then. I grew up Catholic and then my family transitioned to Christianity. I never grew up with those in my mind. I went through the motions of going to church with my family, attempting to make friends at those institutions that we visited but ultimately, as a young child growing up, it didn’t feel natural to me. I felt that most other kids at sunday school were generally dismissive of me or ignored me due to how real I was. When I say that, I just mean that I remained aloof rather than playing the “social norms” games that they wanted to play. I usually just stuck with whoever I vibed with.
I do agree, that only some of my therapists have been trying to sway me in the direction that they deem correct but thats the thing about life, there is no true way to live. I actually had the last 6 months off and been trying to find work since. I have been living off my savings which is completely bone dry now and she has been financially supporting me which has led her to resent me in a way. I’m still seeking to rectify the situation.
Is it a continuous trend in your life journey? Can you say if that or your perception of it changes? Do you feel stuck in your ways, or do you see some dynamic going on?
It’s hard to say. Humans are the epitome of change and impermanence. It seems more likely that I (and all of humanity) will go through changes our whole lives. There is nothing we can do about it but to accept it. My perception of reality is that its cruel. Similar to how the world of Berserk by Kentaro Miura is set up. I don’t necessarily feel stuck in my ways, as I have recently discovered that I am a creature of habit, but I can overcome that with enough effort, and direct it towards a positive change.
Take care and keep rolling dices. Some pieces are ought to fall into their places, and some you’d push in yourself. Good luck.
I agree, I am trying my hardest everyday, to be the best that I can be. To prove to myself that I’m not a total liability.
How do you usually make friends?
I don’t know how to anymore. I am socially awkward and it’s difficult for me to unmask myself around others that I don’t fully trust. Once you get to know me, I’m fairly a huge chatterbox depending on the subject, otherwise, I just come off extremely aloof
I used to be the same There’s a dumb book but it really helped me with that problem. It’s called ‘how to win friends and influence people’ by Dale Carnegie. There free copies of it every and even audiobook on YouTube. It can’t hurt
I’ve read that book three times growing up at different ages. I still feel that I would have to essentially “mask” or fake my personality in order to truly be a “good” friend or be seen by most. I find that I automatically trend towards negativity and destruction in my life, but I realize I can change the trajectory of that at any given moment. That moment was a few days ago.
I used to feel the same fucking way. It still exhausts me and gives me anxiety to talk to people. Idk I still cancel on my friend’s more often than not and sometimes go over a year without talking to them. I think what’s important to understand is your not alone for feelings like this nor is it unatural. But the ‘mask’ makes it easier to be kind and friendly and people like that. The mask is a protection, it will come off with time, by then I’m sure most people would be excited to talk to your charterbox self.
Idk how burt your bridges are but your old friends certainly still think about you and wonder how you are. If they are good people and you showed them you’re trying to change, I hope some may be willing to welcome you back like the prodigal son.
That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being.
That’s reassuring, thank you stranger. It’s difficult for me to put into words how awful it feels to fake myself around others but I rather just be my authentic self and in doing so, I will attract the right crowd soon enough.
It’s funny you mention that, because I called all of them, and left a message on voicemail. It’s been a full day since that happened. No response. Not sure if I’m blocked but hey, I tried. I’m unsure if I should reach out again, but I respect myself too much and realize that the world is filled with other friends-to-be
Hypothetically, if I invited you to my social circle, would you accept the invitation?
Let me make a fake discord before going further. What would the benefits of the social circle be? Just curious about your perspective.
A place to resort to if you ever want to refresh yourself on what a group of people who aren’t against you for the sake of it feels like. I’m grateful to have an island of kind, reasonable, and understanding people to call my social circle.
Shit, that actually sounds nice but my initial response is “What do you have to gain?” In case it’s not obvious, I’m not a very open person in the way that would develop intimacy between myself and others. I try to keep things distant, unless you are a partner of mine, then I try to grow closer, but making friends is hard for me.
Why do you define your social circle with those specific words and what have they done for you? Or am I looking at it wrong?
For most of my life, me and a vast majority of the world have seemed to not see eye to eye. Not for any one reason; sometimes it boils down to peoples’ outlook on my past and their expectations of the mindset behind it, sometimes I can say it’s been based on prejudices (from my ethnic makeup to my medical condition to my spiritual traditions to my sexual orientation, I am not a great combo socially), and then there comes a point where I notice people dislike me simply because others do, so there’s also a self-fueling element I guess, where hate literally breeds hate. I also get flak for how I handle this kind of thing no matter what I do, such as bringing up that people in charge typically don’t see issue with me (tends to be a trigger when populists are in the equation), or ironically trying to make lemonade out of the lemons life gives me (for example, someone once accused me and another disliked person of being the same anonymous author, so one of us thought “well if we’re seen as the same person, people won’t mind if we make apologies on each others’ behalf for things”, only to be told after the first apology that “we don’t consider it genuine unless it’s done by the culprit”).
As a result of this, there’s a very specific state of mind my presence seems to appeal to (again, ironically including people who are actually in charge except when a punishment towards me cannot affect my whole experience in a setting, which has kept me from being gaslighted into losing my ethical agency by people who, in response, erupt into more anger at the idea I’m “appealing to authority” by using this to dismiss claims about my state of mind while they do so to the masses). I have, over time, slowly accumulated people who would be the opposite of this, and looking back, I couldn’t feel more tranquil at the crowd of people who I’ve come to know as my own, with a hospitality and mindfulness that makes even the nicest nations look slightly apathetic. As a result, if I find someone who fits, I am more than happy to invite them. The crowd gets a new member, and the new member gets a crowd. If you are afraid, I understand, but the offer is there.
How strange, I see myself in the same type of way. It’s a me vs the world mentality but then I learned that it’s really me vs me. This world isn’t so friendly, it truly isnt. It’s so cruel and it will try it’s hardest to make sure you don’t succeed but its your mentality that will let you get farther than most in this life.
You have a very unique look on life. What is your background and age if you don’t mind sharing.
My regret and guilt is an all time high.
Question: Why? Do you feel bad about the whole situation? Can’t you see people around you as a burden? Have you tried to assess the usefulness of people being around?
I’m unsure if you’re an actual person or a lemmy ai bot or something. I feel horrible mainly because these were all friends I grew up with and they are overlapping social circles where I made my name live in infamy for the time being.
I’m unsure if I see people as a burden, rather than seeing myself under the very same light. It has something to do with self-persecutory thoughts or similar. I’m still working through out.
Now that I’m all alone, I truly see how useful it is to have people around, for different reasons.
Not only that, but having left emotional and mental scars on the women I’ve loved. I feel terrible overall.
I’m real. Just a unusual account name. Anyway, what’s the difference if you can’t detect it? :)
where I made my name live in infamy
So it wan’t you who “burned many bridges”, it was them who stop talking to you because of <whatever infamy you’re talking about>?
Have you stopped doing what you’re infamous for?
How do you mean detect it? Do you mean to ask why I cant detect most of my problems because I seemingly automatically engage in self destructive or self sabotaging behaviors. I’ve tried therapy in the past, and its truly helped alot. I will look more into it as I age.
And no, I burned the bridges. I made a huge deal over social media, essentially crashing out in front of all my friends with my manic posts about toxicity and snake-y friends etc. You get the picture. It was so unattractive what I was doing at the end of the day. It was tough to think about.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have the majority of them on social media, but when I try to reach out or something similar, I’m met with “read” or “delivered” for long periods of time without any reciprocation. It’s tough to think about.
I have stopped cheating a while ago. It was helpful in helping me see where I was going wrong. But I have done so much else and so much damage to many lovers, I can’t stand who I see in the mirror.
What do you do career-wise? It sounds like with the introspection you have been doing it might be time to try and make a fresh start somewhere else, but that will depend on what you can do to support yourself.
As far a guilt and regret goes, it may be worth the time trying to reach out to the people you have hurt the most and, if nothing else, apologize. It helps you more than it helps them, and there is maybe potential to make peace with some people.
Forgiving yourself is harder, but there is only so much you can do about the past. Repair what you can and learn from what you can’t.
I actually used to work in the healthcare field. I’ve worked there for over a decade. Recently, I am in between jobs so it’s actually a great spot for me to find a new industry to attempt.
Yes, recently, I reached out to a bunch of my friends that I deeply cut off and since then, still no response. I don’t blame them. It was a mess. I do feel much more at peace now though, getting it off my chest.
I agree, I am trying my best to start from the ashes, and trek forward. It shouldn’t be hard, just one step at a time, as they say.
Hey! Wanna be friends? :3 - https://sh.itjust.works/post/35516373
I’m sorry, I don’t want to join another forum, I rather stay on lemmy for now.
That is lemmy
it’s asking me to log in but my credentials don’t work for whatever reason.
I see, it’s asking me to make a fediverse account? I only have a lemmy. What is that?
I think they are they almost the same . The Fedivese is the Fedirated Universe, or independent servers. Lemmy existing with the Fediverse (I think). This fairly new to me too so idk why your account isn’t for both. Mine is, or al least I’m not getting hit with a login page, even in private browsing
I’ll consider it, thank you internet stranger for the invitation though.
Alright, what do you do specifically that makes you an asshole?
Cheated multiple times on multiple partners. I only ever stopped with my most recent ex because the partner before her taught me that I really only hurt myself in the end, doing all of this. I learned so many lessons throughout the years due to being reckless and negligent, I lack forward thinking and thus, I end up in such precarious situations, it’s almost unbelievable that I am not mentally or emotionally crippled by my own actions.
I have also been told I am a bad partner by most of them, here is a mix of paraphrases: I am aggressive, I have narcissistic tendencies, I lack empathy, I am mean, I am cruel, I am distant, I am negligent, I am forgetful, I am selfish, I aim to manipulate, I lovebomb, I am possessive which eventually leads to controlling behavior, I am emotionally or mentally abusive although I don’t try to physically harm because that crosses a boundary for me for some odd reason but I (used to be) ok with the rest of the list. There’s a bunch of others, and it’s almost an exhaustive list. It goes on. I’m not even joking. Therapy has saved me in a way, forced me to heavily introspect. I can probably benefit from a lifetime of it, or at least, until I learn to “love” myself.
