Some part of me wants to confide this information publicly, but I realize most people don’t exactly play ball and will usually try to take advantage of a situation like this. I would like to reference the many psychological experiments conducted in the past concerning and ascertaining the actuality of human nature. For example, take Bobo the clown. Give someone an inch, they take a mile. While this statement doesn’t apply to everyone, I’ve personally met very many people in this life where it doesn’t seem they have my best intentions at heart. The good news? I have moved past that stage in my life and currently seeking relationships that can further my growth. I have been smoking nic for almost 2 decades and well, it’s been very damaging. Started with cigarettes and entering college was when e-cigs were becoming popular, and I tried to “quit” nic using this method only to be swallowed whole into the fruity ecosystem that has irreparably damaged my lungs. I can literally feel my breaths are shallower when I’m doing heavy cardio compared to when I was much younger.

After reading your story, and relating to it, I feel sadness but hope. Because this is the very situation some of us find ourselves in. Wrestling with the constant pain. Seething and boiling over with emotions and being so hyperaware that we are doing these things to ourselves at the end of it all. No one made this bed but us, and we now have to sleep in it. But the greatest news is that we can wake up after the rest, and realize we can change our surroundings, our behavior, our outlook. Mindset can be chiseled into something sharper and clearer, until we have a distinct image of how we wish our future selves to be.

How did you manage to forgive others first? I find that if I’m drowning, I need to learn how to swim before I become a lifeguard to help others. Yes, there’s always work to be done and thats the beauty of life. There is no rest stop where we are on right now and thats completely fine, as we are fueled by our drive to complete our personal missions and I love that for us.

I lay in bed, reading your last statement, made me shed a few tears. So many years ago, I cringe at the idea of expressing myself in such a candid manner, but now I see and feel the effects of being open to these interventions with myself and others with similar situations. I can see how the world is a much brighter place when your mindset is in the right place. It doesn’t take away from some of the evil that inhabits some pockets here and there but I can learn to ignore the noise and go by the beat of my own drum. Hello my sibling, I hope life is treating you well too. Please remember that our journey is a short one so lets make the best of it while we have the chance to.

I was operating so automatically throughout my younger years, not realizing that the exact reasons I was getting into deep shit were just numerous symptoms of a far larger problem stemming from early trauma. So yes, I do agree with your sentiment. Its quite damaging, playing the victim card throughout the years, only to realize that I should’ve been playing the healing + growth cards instead, choosing to learn from my mistakes and accept the responsibility of mistakes. We are fundamentally self-preserving creatures, so I wouldn’t doubt that most of my ill-actions come from a form of cope that I found useful when I was younger, but realize now that it doesn’t serve me any longer. Cheers to you. Thanks again.

Ah I understand now. Well, thank you very much. I hope so too. Have a nice life. Take care now.

That’s weird, well, I wish I could help you but I joined lemmy because its a reddit alt, so I’m unsure how to fix that for you. Are you trying to send me a DM?

I’m sorry that you relate to my story, but just know, at the end of a dark night, the bright sun rises again in the morning. You’ll live my friend, and I’m proud of you for getting so far.

When I was 18, I started working 30 hours a week, then picked up another part time job for 15ish hours a week. On top of that, I decided to go to school (community college) full time and try to bang it out as quick as possible. The only problem? I entered undecided on my major for the first 2 years until I decided on one. After that, it took me an additional 2 years to graduate with my AA. Got super burnt out with over crowding my schedule, so I decided it was best to take things slow. I worked 40 hours for a big company, for a few years and while back then I transferred to a Uni, where i got my BS after 2 years of hard work. During this time, I was busy with figuring out how to incorporate moving to a different city because of relationship matters at the time. After this, I decided to grab another AA, as it was a program to a trade school for a career move that I really wanted at the time. Then, alot of shit hit the fan. I lost all motion, so I’m just taking life day by day. Theres no need to push myself so hard when I was constantly stressed during my 20s. Chronically throughout, but now? My 30s? I feel like I can finally explore so much of what I missed in my 20s.

I am not going to sugar coat it - I have been psycho evaluated multiple times, they have dx me with some LD such as ADHD, so when I wasn’t on medication for that, my brain is literally running almost at 100% all the time, with no sign of stopping and it’s great. I feel mentally quick, and uppers or stimulants are really my favorite tool to exploit my intellect. I would like to say I’m well versed in the realm of psychology and philosophy, but when it comes to actually being an empathetic human? Well, let’s just say I’m finally starting my journey. I will say this however: I would trade all my IQ for an equal amount of EQ instead. It would benefit me to just be - happier in a sense. Ignorance is bliss, so they say. I’m not hyper intelligent by any means. I just have lots of special interests that I pour hours of my life into and I will continue to collect hobbies and master them as I grow through life.

Good luck to you and your journey. I was on a few different classes of mood stabilizers and even anti depressants. Decided after years that they just didn’t work out, unless I actively engaged in positive change as well. I resorted to teaching myself DBT techniques and they have been somewhat helpful. I would also benefit from seeing a DBT therapist specialist if one was ever offered but there seems to be none in my area willing to take new patients with my insurance.

Im proud of you for cutting out drugs, they are certainly fun but be wary, the fun doesn’t last forever and it comes with a heavy price. Just be aware is all. I’m sure you already are.

I actually realized the same way, and looking to grow into a social circle where it would benefit me to act more my age, ie entering my 30s and becoming more of a masculine man, financially responsible and physically on top of my game. I am regaining my confidence back and I’m slowly falling in love with myself again. It’s a challenge but, I’m glad you are also seeking new social circles that align with your current values. So happy for you friend. You’re on the right path.

How strange, I see myself in the same type of way. It’s a me vs the world mentality but then I learned that it’s really me vs me. This world isn’t so friendly, it truly isnt. It’s so cruel and it will try it’s hardest to make sure you don’t succeed but its your mentality that will let you get farther than most in this life.

You have a very unique look on life. What is your background and age if you don’t mind sharing.

I’ll consider it, thank you internet stranger for the invitation though.

I agree, I am trying my hardest everyday, to be the best that I can be. To prove to myself that I’m not a total liability.

I was unsuccessful in finding the right therapist for me. It has been a difficult journey. I learned that it takes two to tango especially when it comes to therapy, and thats most likely why I wasn’t able to get the most out of therapy. I wanted to say that the personality or mask that I presented to the therapists that I met were not me, they weren’t genuine representations of myself and so maybe that’s why I wasn’t able to fully learn from the experience. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against therapy at all, I 100% encourage it in my life, I just want to make sure I find one that I click with, but knowing me, it’s hard because I have trust issues.

I absolutely agree with you, I have been forcing myself to have these moments of learning that are unavoidable - that is to say, that I need to confront whatever it is that I have a problem with, right there and then. I grew up Catholic and then my family transitioned to Christianity. I never grew up with those in my mind. I went through the motions of going to church with my family, attempting to make friends at those institutions that we visited but ultimately, as a young child growing up, it didn’t feel natural to me. I felt that most other kids at sunday school were generally dismissive of me or ignored me due to how real I was. When I say that, I just mean that I remained aloof rather than playing the “social norms” games that they wanted to play. I usually just stuck with whoever I vibed with.

I do agree, that only some of my therapists have been trying to sway me in the direction that they deem correct but thats the thing about life, there is no true way to live. I actually had the last 6 months off and been trying to find work since. I have been living off my savings which is completely bone dry now and she has been financially supporting me which has led her to resent me in a way. I’m still seeking to rectify the situation.

Ironic because most of my Youtube history is about documentaries involving cult leaders or peoples of influence - usually of darker or colorful pasts that lead them to make not so great decisions in the end.

I was constantly complaining about “fake friends” and how people were being inauthentic to themselves and similar themes to that. This was all over my social medias where I just know everyone was talking about me in their private group chats which is understandable. Looking back on it, I don’t blame them for leaving, but I am learning day by day so it’s getting easier to live with.

I am about 90% done with it - even though we still live together. She went to a festival over the weekend with her friends and I’m happy for her but deep down, I am living in spite because that should be me with her there but then again, I live at a different tempo than most people, so I suppose our differences were irreconcilable. We spent the last few days crying to each other, mourning the relationship. It was painful. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t budge and I’m sort of glad she hasn’t. Simply because I know I still have some more soul searching to do. To answer your last part, I had lost my job almost half a year ago and she has been supportive throughout the whole process - but the person that left that job to the person who I was recently experienced a transition. One so negative, that it drove the relationship south, because I was becoming overly critical, being financially dependent on her, thus giving her an incredibly insurmountable and exponentially growing mountain of stress that she had finally gotten tired of. Our small fights and arguments evolved into bursts of emotion and passion. I have intimacy issues, and it showed up in our last spat - where I threatened leaving her again. That was the last straw. Since then, experiencing deep pain, knowing I’ve been self sabotaging yet again, oh what a joy it is to live life, to constantly learn but man, does it hurt lol

I actually used to work in the healthcare field. I’ve worked there for over a decade. Recently, I am in between jobs so it’s actually a great spot for me to find a new industry to attempt.

Yes, recently, I reached out to a bunch of my friends that I deeply cut off and since then, still no response. I don’t blame them. It was a mess. I do feel much more at peace now though, getting it off my chest.

I agree, I am trying my best to start from the ashes, and trek forward. It shouldn’t be hard, just one step at a time, as they say.

Yes, I spent years on therapy. I’ve also spent just as much time attempting to self correct when I could find the chance to. I’ve been in numerous situations over the years to give me the opportunity and I’m eternally grateful for each one. Take the time to read through the rest of these comments, so you can see what I’ve been through, because I’ve answered this question before.

Yes, I started smoking cigs + weed in my teen years sparingly for fear of being caught by family. I was a good two shoes and kept my nose clean until I turned 21, then I became a really heavy drinker. Not an alcoholic, but going out with friends, I realized I needed to drop almost twice the amount of cash in order to feel something, not necessarily use it to make conversation easier, but to feel the effects lol. At 25, I then dove into psychs and disso, and boy, my life changed. It’s been…interesting and I do NOT want to give that experience up at all. I feel liberated knowing and seeing things that most people would wait lifetimes to perceive. At least, that’s what I believe. Entering my 30s, I’m actually surprisingly sober now. Hence, why I am now suffering the consequences of my actions throughout my 20s and being ultra-destructive to self and others. What an interesting life so far.

Yes I have, I’ve had multiple sessions spanning from different providers with different credentials each (psychotherapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, LMFT) and all these different visits spanned across years of my life. Between 3-5 years now that I recall. I don’t regret most, but I regret some. I’ve told some of them some very traumatizing things and can’t help but feel judged as a human, even though they are literally paid to not judge me. It’s a difficult thing to balance in my brain right now.

Honestly, I have 3 degrees, and the job market has been ridiculous. I suppose I only have myself to blame for not picking my major as Business or something easily marketable. I have been getting back into watching anime. Other than that, no. All the hobbies I want to pursue cost money. I cant parse anything out for that at the moment.

I see, it’s asking me to make a fediverse account? I only have a lemmy. What is that?

I’m just gonna quote myself from an earlier comment:

“That’s sort of how it started with my path. I was constantly being spammed with invites to outings, or messages about checking up on each other etc, just friendly things. I decided it was all too overwhelming and didn’t want to maintain those relationships due to being overwhelmed by it all at once. I am now paying the price. At least for the time being.”

it’s asking me to log in but my credentials don’t work for whatever reason.