I need to vent. Mods, if this kind of thing isn’t welcome in this community anymore…oh well. It helped me feel better at least typing my thoughts into the void.
I got married to a wonderful, beautiful woman in 2021 after being together for 5 years. My parents are big cruise fanatics. They go on vacation like this about once every year or two. We both told them before the wedding - because they did this for my brother when he got married - they can get us whatever they want for a wedding gift, just PLEASE no cruises.
And they listened! We got some very nice, very expensive bedsheets that were perfect!
Fast forward a year. I get a call. My parents booked a 4 day cruise to Mexico over the week after Christmas '23. I’m not particularly assertive, but I was offering pushback on it. I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
My wife also didn’t want it. Neither of us asked for this. But after a few months of talking about it, both of us agreed: it’s free, let’s give it a fair shake.
Fair shake given. We tried our best to like this. I’m writing this from my cabin docked at Cozumel. We deboarded the ship for 15 minutes and were immediately overwhelmed by the crowd. We turned around, went back to our cabin and are now sleeping the day away. Maybe we’ll hit up the hot tub before everybody comes back. The crowd is too much. The longer I spend on this gargantuan vessel, the smaller it gets.
My brother, his wife, and their two small kids are also here. I think they’re also pretty exhausted. It seems like my parents have gone out of their way to spend time with that foursome. As for me, I only get notifications once they’re already somewhere and I have to catch up. I got a message saying “We’re at Senor Frogs.” I did not get “We’re going to Senor Frogs. Wanna meet up?”
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it. I feel invisible because I didn’t ask for this. And I feel angry because I feel like an afterthought. I feel like I got invited to this because my parents wanted to spend a week with my brother’s kids and I was given a ticket to tag along so I wouldn’t feel left out. I wouldn’t have felt left out by not being invited to something I didn’t want. I wouldn’t feel left out if I had been given the opportunity to say no.
I’m just burnt tf out. I want my house. With my quarter acre. And my neighbor with the stupid subwoofer. I want my bed (that doesn’t rock because it’s on solid ground), my cats, my dog, my plaid pajamas, my cold weather, and my coffee back at home in Oklahoma. I would have rather stayed home and built puzzles with my (also puzzle-loving) wife for a week. We are slow-paced, solitary, almost antisocial creatures. I’m wired differently from my family. And though I feel guilty for being unappreciative of their gesture, I won’t feel ashamed of being different. I didn’t ask to be this way.
Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading my rant. I’m done. We shove off back for the States in an hour or so. We’re over the hill. We’ll be home soon, and I will never do this again.
I got told shit like “you’re getting a free vacation” and “how many opportunities like this are you going to get” and “we tried our best to accommodate you.”
“Yes, and it must really not be our thing if we are saying no to all of that.”
Sometimes you need to pick a position and dig in your heels. Even when they start pushing and you start doubting yourself you can remember that you already made your choice…but not so easy when something is just suddenly thrown at you and you don’t get an opportunity to think on it first.
A lot of the experiences you described sound a lot like stuff I deal with. Have you ever been tested for autism?
I think this just happens to be one of the things we share with neurotypical adults that have overly cheery family members.
The universal experience of “jesuuuus I said no mom, wait, why are you crying? Fineeee I’ll do it. Oh wow you stopped crying just like that.”
Edit: I refuse to call my parents “n-parents”, but that’s what I meant by overly cheery. Their happiness over yours because culture.
n-parents
n? as in…?
The very same hahahahaha
Have you ever been tested for autism?
Yes, 15+ years ago. The doctor said I had Asperger’s. I said bullshit, test me. Got tested. No Asperger’s. But honest to goodness, I fully believe I am on the spectrum. But I’m not going around saying I am without a proper diagnosis.
Digging in my heels is something I’m working on. I have a really hard time saying no and sticking with it because of trauma.
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If I have it so do you fallacy
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A lot of these things are things I deal with and I don’t have autism, ergo OP is not autistic.
/s
Why does everything on Lemmy and Reddit have to devolve into autism or depression? Dude just wants to build puzzles with his wife.
There’s a lot more there than ‘likes puzzles’. Sometimes when you have a thing or are part of a group, a lot of seemingly unrelated things start to make a pattern that others might not see. Like ‘gaydar’ or alcoholism or autism. And there is a lot of undiagnosed autism and just an enormous amount of depression in general. And also OP already affirmed what I said in this same thread a couple posts down. But I didn’t say he has autism, I asked if he’s been tested…and guess what?
So it’s possible “everything is autism and depression” includes a big dose of cognitive bias on your end.
Someday in the future, someone will try to pressure you into another cruise, saying that you didn’t have fun because you didn’t go with the “right” people, didn’t do the “right” things or go to the “right” locations, etc. It’ll be up to you to decide what to say to them.
This fits into the larger umbrella of parents giving their children things the parents believe their children should want, rather than things that are actually wanted or needed.
My sister is gay and prefers pants and “men’s” shirts. For years my mom would by my sister dresses and then lay down a guilt trip when my sister didn’t wear the dresses.
OP, you have every right to resent this. It sounds like your parents “invited” you because they already planned to have your brother along. They may have even been going for a bulk deal.
This sort of thing may be the ultimate fun time for them, and they may have just wanted to give you what they see as the ultimate fun time, but it’s not that for you. It’s okay that different people like different recreational things, and sometimes people with their hearts in the right place still need to be reminded of that fact. So, you can be gracious about the gift but keep this writeup.
When this is over, you can politely thank your parents for the gift and say no more if you want. But if they press the issue and genuinely want to know how you felt about it, if they really want you to be honest, you could tell them what you’ve just told us. If in the future they invite you to another cruise and give you any guff about taking no for an answer, tell them what you told us. You can still express gratitude that they gave you the chance to give this a fair shake, and politely decline repeating the experience. “I tried and it’s just not for me” is a valid takeaway from this, both for you and for them.
I think this is the way.
I’m genuinely mad at them right now because it seems they’ve exerted little effort to spend time with my wife and me…but we’re all adults here. I could have tried a little harder to reach out to them, too (because I just haven’t done a good job of that myself. Projecting, maybe?). And I’d like to have a debriefing with them, but only once I’m on dry land and had more time to cool off. Because right now, I’ve never been so inclined to tell them to fuck off. At least not since my teenage years lol
But once I’m home and unpacked and I’ve had the chance to wash my laundry, I think I’m going to tell them straight up that while I appreciated the opportunity to give this a fair try to please never do this again. We will have other opportunities to vacation together. Hell, if they want Cozumel, the island has an airport and tickets are only like 400 bucks a pop from OKC. I’d so much rather have flown here and had 3-5 days to experience the island with all it’s quiet holes in the wall and its beaches.
But cruising? I can’t do this again. And next time, it’s a hard pass. If they insist I come and pay for a ticket, I’m not showing up. I can’t go unheard on this topic again.
They’ve given you the gift of appreciation for your own home.
And subwoofer dude!
The library is usually empty. Most bar also close from time to time, so you can go sit there, read a book, watch a movie, play a game on your computer, or whatever activity you enjoy. And be alone for hours.
Running, walking on the threadmill while watching the sea is great, and the sport salle is never full… the sauna, not so sure.
Go explore the working quarter on the under belly of the beast. Most people will assume you’re just some family member of a worker and let you roam and get lost all you want.
Remember the food is good, and you will never sleep as well (or as bad, if it is not your stuff) as on a large ship cruising slowly on the ocean
Your parents spend lot of money, just so you can enjoy something they find very enjoyable. It can not be your stuff, but they care about you
Can’t speak to the cruise specific things, but I lived on a 47ft sailboat for a while in my youth. I’ve never slept better in my life than I did being rocked to bed each night. Didn’t matter if under sail, moored, or docked. As long as the skies weren’t too angry that is.
But hey, at least you tried. You said it was 4 days. At least it wasnt one of those 2 weeks cruises.
You gave it a genuine try and genuinely didnt like it. Tag it as another experience in life you learn from. And thats about it. Next time they invite you just say you tried and you prefer doing something else.
You can also try to invite them for some activity you like for the next vacation.
At least you went, my guy. You can, without a doubt, say “that’s not a thing I like”. I have never done a cruise because I don’t think I would like them, and don’t want to be stuck in a boat for 3 more days after I find that out. Will I miss out on cruises? Probably not. Will I talk myself out of other things I might have actually enjoyed? Almost certainly.
It’s important to push boundaries and try new things, but it’s important-er to learn from those experiences and grow, even if the only “growth” you get here is the confirmation that trying a new thing might suck, but won’t kill you.
It might be a bit late for you now, but when everyone else is in port, that’s the best time to be on the ship.
Get yourself to one of the open decks with some food and a drink, and appreciate the lack of any queues. Get a chair next to the pool and chill out for a while. Take some photos of the views that you wouldn’t otherwise see.
In short, try to make the most of it while you’re stuck there, and enjoy the quiet time :)
I was in a very similar situation, grandpa paid for whole family to go to Alaska. I had been having a rought time with depression and this cruise didn’t help, but I told him I had a great time. He nearly cried he was so happy to hear it. I hated it and would never go again, but he spent the rest of his life having this untainted memory of the whole family, me included. Just make it clear that as “fun” as this trip was, you’d never do it again. Glad to do it once, kind of thing. You can set the boundary while still preserving a special moment in their memories. That’s how you show appreciation for the gesture.
Some people in the comments are missing the point. You didn’t want something. You told your parents you and your partner didn’t want it. You were given and pressured into it regardless.
Do not feel awful for not appreciating it. It doesn’t matter why you don’t. Your parents have ignored you completely. Not just you on the cruise, but your wishes in the first place. It doesn’t matter how nice Cozumel is. If you are stressed out from the cruise experience to start with, you won’t be in the mind space to enjoy something else you might have if you were visiting it normally.
OP, this is not your fault. You have every right to feel angry. You were left out in many ways and guilted into feeling bad about yourself for not enjoying something you upfront said you didn’t want.
I hope this gives you the ability to stand your ground in the future. Sure, it can be nice to experience new things and find out you like something you never thought you would. But that’s up to you to decide. Whether its about a cruise or something else, only you and your partner should make that decision for yourselves. I hope you call your parents out on this, but if you don’t, I hope you can always say “no” without buckling in the future.
This is a very thoughtful response that goes right to the crux of the matter.
I could not agree more with this sentiment.
Even though you could have…
Been consulted on your preferences Been having a better time in a foreign environment Been whatever
Now you had first hand experience and first hand answers of what you think. It was 4 days of your life, and it will let you focus and drive away several future conversations.
Sometimes we do things for us and that’s fine, and sometimes we do things to make other people happy. Be sure you and your folks understand your thoughts on what cruises mean for each of you. And why not, be mindfull that some experiences are better suited for different phases in life, and perhaps your preferences change over time.
As long as you and your partner are very very clear on each other expectations, you can manage whatever 3rd parties throw at you.
This sucks. I hope you find your peaceful place on board. If you switch your hours and become night owls for the remaining days that might help. Cruise ships at 4am are different to cruise ships at 4pm.
Your story put me in mind of my MIL and shrimps. She loves shrimps and thinks they’re fancy. Anytime she makes them for a family gathering she spends a great deal of time encouraging me to try them, and after the third or forth request I always do, and I always find the texture disgusting, I always say “the seasoning is lovely, I just really hate the texture of shrimp,” and she’s always so surprised that I don’t like her shrimp. Your parents love cruises so much they can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t. And I don’t know the solution because pretending to be willing to try a sea insect is a much smaller commitment than four days on a boat. However, if they do keep insisting that you repeat this experience see if you can pay the difference and get a balcony. Maybe see if they have this option for the remaining time this cruise.
“sea insect” is a fantastic description. :)
I live in a cruise tourist city and there’s no fuckin way I’m ever stepping foot on one of those boats. People who go on cruises are not humanity’s finest examples to say the least. When a cruise ship is docked here I simply avoid going downtown.
stepping foot
Bone apple tea.
Lol I’ve been making this mistake for years, TIL
What’s the “proper” way? Everyone says “stepping foot.”
Setting foot
It depends on so many things. I love cruising, and there are a lot of people who are just trying to see new things and spread their minds. There can be a-holes and entitled Karen’s, but that happens regardless of their method of conveyance. I’m trying to: be nice, see sites and sights I’ve only read of, seen photos of, (or never even heard of!), try some new foods, and learn a bit more about people and the world.
There are much better ways to accomplish this than taking a cruise…
The ones exploring my town usually just funnel into the Chinese owned souvenir stores then go back onboard to eat.
Depends on your goals. I view it as a sampler pack. “Yeah, this place was interesting, next time I’d like to see…”, or “okay, I’ve seen X, that was okay, turns out I don’t care for…”, etc. I can’t see the world - there’s too much and i don’t have an infinite budget. But in a week you can see multiple cities in multiple countries, without having to live out of a suitcase.
You’re not seeing the real place off a cruise ship. Everywhere you stop is catered to tourists.
Worried about budget? Go to Germany and get the monthly rail pass. Way cheaper than a cruise and on your own schedule. See actual Germany. Just an example.
Learn to live out of a suitcase by the way. Well actually backpack because suitcases suck. You don’t need to bring your whole house with you, I just finished a 6 week trip with a 55L backpack and if you learn to pack well you are going to be comfortable. Ultralight community on reddit is pretty good for learning this skill.
Doesn’t work for my set of circumstances, but I appreciate it. Kudos for doing it in a 55L - I’ve tried it and it’s a bit too tight for me, but I see the draw.
Fair. Gear has come a long way in the last few years though if you are unaware. My 55L pack weighs like 800 grams and still has a frame.
The only cruises I’d consider are places that aren’t really available without a ship. River cruises seem like a not-so-bad way to travel through the countryside. Same with Alaska, Patagonia and northern Europe. I haven’t seriously looked into it, but the idea of winding through fjords has a certain appeal to me.
Cruises usually suck, but if you can get out and it’s still like this (we’re talking almost 40 years ago)- We went to Cozumel as part of a vacation across the Yúcatan when I was a 12 or so and went snorkling over the coral reef. I remember various things about that vacation, good and bad, but what sticks with me most all these decades later was what I saw on that reef. Do treat yourself to that experience if it’s one you can still have.
I took my wife on a cruise even though they aren’t really my thing. The thing about cruises is you sort of have to lean into them. If you want to do much at the ports of call you need to plan ahead and typically book the excursions they offer. If you want to just chill, then you can view the ship as basically a floating all you can eat buffet with 24/7 self serve soft serve.
My wife and I both enjoyed the excursions (horse back riding, kayaking, dinners) we also just read in the sun on the decks and went for the couples massage (highly recommended).
It sounds like you might not be big into traveling, and hey, that’s ok. It’s ok to spend time in the cabin, it’s ok to read in the sun, and you don’t have to hang with the crowds or get drunk. Give yourself permission to enjoy what you enjoy and avoid what you don’t.
If you do have the money I would suggest booking one of the paid dinners they usually offer and doing a couple massage. Those are usually quiet and relaxing. Likewise, find out of the way spots on deck and just chill away from the noise.
If nothing else you can view this as a great learning experience both in figuring out what you do and don’t like, and in seeing and sticking firm to boundaries with family.
Best of luck!
Edited to add: that sucks about feeling left out. I suspect some of it is your parents focusing on the grandkids. It could also be they picked up on some of your anxiety and have been giving you space. Either way, of you want to go with them, when they say hey went to senor frogs, reply awesome, let me know next time you head out and I’ll come. One thing I learned in life is if you always decline invites, eventually you stop being invited. So, invite your self if you want that to change.
Best regards!
It sounds like you might not be big into traveling,
Our maybe they just don’t like cruises? They never made sense to me and what you describe sounds like the worst form of “travelling” to me.
OP could be a cat for all I know. We’re just trying to give him helpful advice with what we can quickly infer from one post. If something doesn’t quit hit the mark, I trust OP knows themselves will enough to ignore it. No need to dissect things.
No need to dissect things.
Sure. But then OP says something like
I feel like a piece of shit for not appreciating it.
… and maybe it might matter a tad whether it makes any sense that they don’t like traveling at all and whether they should take that view to heart.
My comment was not (EDITED) about you or getting into a fight with you, it was about how the OP should feel about not liking a cruise trip.
People confusing getting “couples massage” with actual travelling. Cruise ship people can be worse the vegans sometimes.
Sounds like OP doesn’t like the crowds in and around the boat and it’s destinations. Idk about you but most tourist destinations I’ve been to are really crowded. Doesn’t really matter how people get to those locations, but they are packed.
Maybe op doesn’t like traveling to crowded tourist destinations. Maybe op doesn’t like travel (which usually is about going to tourist destinations… crowded places).
The couples massage suggestion was obviously one to say “hey you sound overwhelmed with the tourist stuff, how about you try this low volume activity?”
That’s right, I suggested couples massage not because it is the epitome of travel but because it’s something he could go do immediately that doesn’t require booking months ago with a time machine, and it’s relaxing. Dudes obviously stressed.
It’s really amusing seeing some folks (not you) trip over themselves to gatekeep what travel is to someone like me whose climbed extensively around the world. Like yeah, trekking the remote corners of the world is awesome, but that doesn’t make getting a nice massage with your wife a bad time, lol. Not everything in life needs to be a purist expression of a hobby or passion.
I think the fact it’s a cruise is completely besides the point of the story. You could pretty much replace it with any other type of travel or experience and the story would remain the same.
Well, the moral of my post is that it’s ok to like what you like and set boundaries, sprinkled with some general life and cruise advice. I’d give much the same advice if they had been booked in a hotel somewhere for a week since the real dynamic here is family.
Nah, cruises are particularly awful. Overconsumption runs rampant in these gigantic Petri dishes where any virus will have a hay day. The pollution and wastefulness involved in cruises are huge deterrents for anyone with half a caring brain cell. They’re fucking gross.
Except that a cruise is neither travel nor an experience. Show some respect for poor op.
I greatly enjoyed my cruise in the spring from NL to Norway and Sweden and back. I wouldn’t have traveled to Oslo otherwise. And the experience of crossing the vast water ways and seeing all the off shore wind farms was something I greatly value
Cruises might not be your preference, but they are travel and experience
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