CW: some discussion of transphobia

Tomorrow I get to have a call with a side of the family I haven’t talked to in almost 2 years. Since coming out publicly, my family has been surprisingly good. There are slip ups and ideas that are meh but overall it’s gone better than I thought. With the exception of one part of my family.

My dad’s birth father and his family. Tbf while I know my grandpa’s feelings. I am not sure about the rest. I believe my more liberal aunt who I’ll be talking with tomorrow is fine with me, but I worry about my grandpa.

My grandpa has always been one of the most supportive and loving people in my life. When I lived away from all family for almost a decade, he was the only one who would regularly visit me. I hated where I was and he knew that. He knew the visits would make my time away easier. No one else in my family cared to. Sure my parents came occasionally. But it was maybe 3 times over the 8 years. My grandpa made a point to visit multiple times a year. Growing up he’d always be one of my biggest supporters. Even though I was a grandchild from a son he didn’t raise and didn’t know all that well. We were close. I was close with all of that part of my family.

I can’t really describe how devastating it was when I learned he had no intention of ever accepting me and I would always be dead name to him. He used to call me roughly once every couple months. I haven’t heard from him in almost 2 years.

His daughter reached out to me last week. We’re going to chat tomorrow. I think in an attempt to rekindle our relationship. Idk how to feel or what to expect. I want to rekindle our relationship. But I’m worried about what emotional position that will put me in. Thinking about him almost always ends up with me sobbing

I’ve been preparing for going nomadic in two weeks 🚵⛺💻🇪🇺🌸

It’s quite the juggle financially, but the people around me have been coming through. An acquaintance will do my taxes, so that saves hundreds. At the store the lady gave me free underwear. At the second hand market yesterday I got a ton of stuff for a friendly price.

The thing is, costs are unpredictable. You think you have the perfect bicycle, but it needs a new rear wheel with new gears and it costs 300! And that’s with free labor!

I’ve also had a cptsd flashback. Those are nasty, because you never know that you’re inside of one, even though I’ve overcome countless flashbacks in my life. And I’m like 100% dysfunctional in such a state, so problems just build up and it’s a huge waste of my time. So I’ve informed my friends more deeply on the topic so hopefully they’ll help me realize what’s happening next time I have one. Because without realizing you’re in one you simply can’t handle it or get out of it.

Trying not to put unnecessary expectations on myself. Only somewhat succeeding at that, but at least I’m realizing that those expectations are unnecessary, so hey that’s progress.

Horrible. Had some slight elbow pain at the gym. Went to the doctor. Told to keep it in a brace and not bend it. I swear the compression and the stiffness are making it worse, it’s gone from a little bit of pain beside my elbow to moderate pain all down my arm.

People keep insisting it feels worse than it is and acting like I’m being stubborn when I say it wasn’t that bad at first. Everyone’s saying shit unprompted like “tennis elbow never gets better” or “we’re not ‘treating you like’ you’re disabled, chronic pain is a real disability!”

My doctor told me that if, in the future, I do any kind of movement and it hurts my arm, I need to remember to “not do that movement again” because it’ll cause re-injury. So I guess I’m not supposed to lift weights for the rest of my life?

It’s really getting to my head. It just felt like a little bruise beside my elbow. It’s not like they did any imaging and found something horrible, why is everyone acting like it’s over?

I never even got to be buff… I was so malnourished it took me years to get visible muscles, and they were never impressive 😮‍💨 I had a stupid daydream of being an attractive butch

I stitched a little notebook !

(so little ! it’s about A9 in size)

Going back to the dorms on Friday. It’s a yay/nay situation. Love my friends there. Hate the amount of the work that has to get done. But gotta think on the positive end to keep me going. (Or just… think less to make it easier on the mind lol.)

Today I went to an awesome local coffee shop/bookstore. It’s so beautifully decorated with unique displays and niche items. It captured a very cottage core theme while also having a surprisingly wide variety of books. God I’m gonna miss that place. I really want to go back. Has everything I want in a bookstore… There’s a whole bookshelf filled with architecture and graphic design books I want to get.

Then I got to go to this cute little park/outlet. I’m not sure how to describe it— it’s a small area with a treehouse playground that’s walled off. And I got to see a fire show of sorts. It’s been a fun, exhausting day. Nice way to end my summer break.

My side of the family is slowly trickling into the state for their annual vacations in Maine, for two weeks this year instead of the usual 7 days. It’s nice though, getting to see each group when they arrive instead of showing up to 20-something people all at once, all in one house. It will be that level of craziness come Sunday, when they’re planning to throw (yet another) baby shower for us. Much as I enjoy not spending money, three baby showers is too damn high. I’m hopeful that my brother found the copy of Go the F#$k to Sleep we gave them when my niece was born.

One of our ducks, Pearl, hatched out a dozen little babies under my potting bench. While she’s exceptional at hatching them, she is a less than stellar mother and I have been responding to alarm peeps regularly while she sits around with the ones who manage to keep up with her.

Playing video games and waiting for university to open uppp

I am good just playing my little vroom vroom games in the computer

spent the weekend with a friend in the mountains. we saw a bunch of bonsai trees (a couple of my favorites below), went to a couple of breweries, and stayed up too late playing video games. 10/10 weekend, would do again.

This week, I’m feeling very narcoleptic.

I’m headed back into the office today after having had COVID last week. Yaaaaaaaay

Read annihilation in like 3 days last week! Whew what a story!

I borrowed it from a friend so now I’m debating buying the rest of the trilogy (and risk having only books 2 and 3 on the shelf, which I also did with three body problem and that gap is Staring At Me Daily™)

Also still looking for a job but I’m deciding to ignore the recruiters for now. They honestly haven’t done much for me at all and in the end have just been a waste of time.

I’m just going to do applications by myself because tbh I’m perfectly capable of that. I’ve received really good feedback from some positions where I didn’t make the cut, so I’m feeling confident enough. Just keep on grinding.

Theres one position I’m excited about though - my friend referred me so that’s an easy way to make a good first impression and I did indeed have a great first talk this morning :). Fingers crossed!

Final item: went to see the borderlands film yesterday, very impromptu because some out of town friends happened to come see it at a cinema close to my house. Was fun to see them and the film was uhhhh ok, definitely not good but at least I’m excited to play borderlands again 😂

Wiped out my savings buying 2 pairs of pants, but I’m reading the DUNE books and having a good time with it

I’ve also found out I might be getting out of my paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle this year. No later than next year.

The Moors & Christians festival is over, and we have about 2 more weeks of tourists to deal with, then a long weekend for us in the first week of Sept and my body is ready for it.