Forsaken by my parents, I must bake
A pie, a biscuit, or even a cake
My parents, so proud, say that they love it
I, too, am fulfilled cuz in them, I shit

If nutty, to them, I serve up a pie
Or a dish more savory, if corn supplied
Since I was a child, I have done this
I am better at it than at rhyming

If you want a nice treat, leave out the poo
Or keep it in, really, it’s up to you
As you make what I bake, something might stink
Solutions are found in my sponsored links

Now I will let you get to the big bake
More words are needed for profits at stake
Please take care and enjoy my recipe
Return next week when I make drinks from pee

Shitting spaghetti

Someone should throw salt at it. Y’know… For the melt and traction. No other reason at all.

Even betterer, give the plane to Snoop Dogg to film Soul Plane 2: Qatari Boogaloo

You take some flour, and some room temp eggs
Room temperature butter is the best
And some warm milk, you stage it with the rest
Vanilla, sugar, and baking soda
If you forget your berries, you are fucked
Iambic pentameter is shit. Salt.

Get all of these items into a big bowl
Mix it or whatever, I am not your boss
Batter should be consistency of sludge

Heat your oven to the maximum temp
Pour your batter directly in oven
Leave your house, tell neighbors you broke your toe
Return to home, act surprised it is ash
Get insurance check, use to buy muffins

Prep time: 30-45 minutes
Cook time: 2 months if insurance is fast

Sure, I did a bad job. But in my defense, I put more effort into this than I should have and wasted everyone’s time. Especially mine.

Good. I’m gonna miss all y’all cool tourists, but better safe than sorry. Hopefully, we’ll meet again soon.

Hard reboots/power cycling are gonna be a real pain in the ass. I suspect that there’s gonna be significant downtimes until they switch from Windows to Linux and then figure out their super space drivers. Considering the millions it costs to launch someone into space, the IT astronaut who has to unplug this and plug it back in is going to be the most expensive tech support/hour ever.

From the inside out

I just reported a question, not because of the content of the question but because the buttons were formatted strangely and clocking on them caused the question to refresh. It was about cassettes vs CDs.

Other than that, this is pretty fucking legit. What a simple, fun, useful tool! And I mean simple as in “easy to explain,” not “easy to make.”

Thank you for sharing!!!

ETA: I just got served either the same question twice (with a different question between each time), or found duplicate questions. If the same question twice, I’d be concerned about individuals skewing results. If a duplicate question is being submitted, it might be helpful (albeit slower) to run word matches against strings and then check the IP address of the submitter (if you record that) on anything with over 90% match and then let that user know they’ve already submitted this question.

Don’t mind if I do! 🍴

I want that laser gun!

Who would ship a fugitive back to us? The tariffs are too high.

The only difference is that he acts out his violent fantasies against criminals instead of the general public.

I think this glosses over a bigger difference that lets his character off with a little less shit on him than he deserves: the only difference is that he can afford act out his violent fantasies against criminals. If beating up criminals paid the bills, I’m sure more of the criminals would do it. In fact, it’s so obvious that crime-fighting isn’t lucrative in Gotham, evidenced by the astounding number of dirty cops. The big baddies punch down on the general public because they can squeeze out money that way. The only reason Batman continues to get away with cosplaying as a villain is because the general public lets him get away with it.

Batman will have billions no matter who he beats up and he can afford privacy and security in his private life. If Batman tried beating up a villain and then went home to find out that someone killed Alfred to send a message and that Bruce Wayne couldn’t afford to feed himself, I’m sure it wouldn’t take long before his inner rage unleashed on some innocent bystander and he’d realize that beating up anyone feeds his violence addiction and that stealing money and food feeds his hunger.

And let’s not forget: these “criminals” are mostly people who were ostracized and desperate before getting caught on some charge that landed them in Arkham. When they were finally released, they were even more radicalized, unemployable, and destitute. If crime is their only perceivable career path, they can’t be faulted for that. And all of this begs the question: what kind of fucked up economy exists in Gotham that “villainy” is the second richest employer behind “self-employed billionaire bare-knuckle boxing bastard.”

Yeah, while I like Batman to an unhealthy degree, I’ll never miss an opportunity to shit on what a horrible character he is.

Batman gets comic books and movies because he’s someone for us all to aspire to: being so rich and removed from reality that you don’t realize that you’re the creator of your own enemies. Being so fantastically wealthy that you can’t see how you’re causing a wealth gap that forces people to turn to crime so they can afford housing and food. Making it so that mentally ill people—who gain powers from desperate paid experiments, suffer workplace accidents due to poor worker’s rights, or birth defects due to proper healthcare inaccessibility—can’t access therapy and medication until they’re already labeled as criminals and are forced to be under the state’s care. And then he dresses up as a monster and beats the shit out of all of them at night. Batman and Bruce Wayne get comic books and movies because we applaud them for proving that they recognize that flattening the wealth gap will solve many problems by funding social services such as orphanages, but then missing the mark by privatizing what should be public services and funneling your largest donations through things like “charity auctions” and the ballet, an art form so removed from the lower classes that you beat the shit out of the poor just for showing up at a performance because they’re obviously unable to afford a ticket.

You wanna celebrate a woman who fucks a few monsters and then shoots them in the woods? That’s fine, but you gotta make a few minor changes: the woman has to be a man who is super strong instead of sexy, s/he needs to fight the disenfranchised rather than legitimately evil people, and they have to show their softer side by only permanently maiming these poor people instead of killing them. AKA, Batman.

So don’t delay, fuck now, supplies are fucking out
Fuck now, if you’re still alive, six to eight fucks to arrive
And if you fuck more, there may be a tomorrow
But if the offer’s fucked
You might as well be fuckin’ on the sun

I really thought that my sarcasm was obvious, especially with that last sentence… Apparently there are people out there who are more openly shitty than I realized.

There’s never a good reason to enable and protect rape.

Any standard set lower than this should be grounds to get throat-punched.

Y’all are being way too harsh. I’m sure he has a really good reason for why he enabled and protected Harvey Weinstein’s rapery. Something so convincing that we’d all say, “you were absolutely right to help blow up the lives of fellow artists. You’re really not a piece of shit!”

Eta: Apparently, my sarcasm was too subtle. The fact that people aren’t catching onto that is incredibly depressing because that means this was a believably shitty take. I really thought the last sentence was a dead giveaway…

Humanity and satire are dead, killed by genuine ghouls who are totally cool supporting monsters.

“Trump’s third term is lasting a really long time. I was confused when he chose his own successor on his death bed, but now I’m growing concerned that this might threaten democracy!”

Okay, there’s a lot to unpack here and I’m going to assume you’re seeking input. If I’m wrong, I apologize, but I just hope that you know you’re not alone. I’m just gonna try my best to relate my experiences with yours to hopefully make you understand how you’re not alone, and then I wanna talk about making sure you do what’s right for you.

I apologize in advance if it seems like I’m trying to drown out your experiences with my own, that’s not my intent. You are just too important to be left feeling alone, and unfortunately, too many of my experiences are similar to yours. I promise you that it leads to some positive information, though!

I was incredibly lonely for a very long time. After living in a physically and emotionally abusive household, being subjected to SA by a family member, and dealing with undiagnosed… well, lots of things… I found myself aching for companionship. I needed to tether myself to someone who made me feel valued because then I’d have value. I needed a partner to love me so badly that when I’d start a relationship, I’d quickly become a very toxic partner and destroy my relationships.

Almost just as bad: I couldn’t physically connect with people because I associated sex with pain and deviancy due to my past. I got to a point where I couldn’t even watch porn without seeking violence and imagining myself in the position of the person being manhandled. I eventually got mildly involved in the BDSM scene through some very indirect interactions. I used to attend parties and gatherings and wish that someone would just hurt me enough that I could finally enjoy it. But no one would even touch me like that because, it turns out, consent and safety are the most respected rules in the BDSM community.

I was so confused and conflicted because, here I was, fully consenting to being abused, and getting rejected because they knew I was not ready to embrace the mature and measured form of consent that they needed. Through limited interactions, I eventually understood the concept of consent and hope caring, caution, and consent can be some of the sexiest things in the world.

Even though I’d learned to break my violence-seeking habits (from BDSM, go figure), I still struggled with the fact that I hated myself. I blamed myself for everything wrong in my life and the lives of people around me. I still would enter or create toxic relationships because I thought that I’d someone else loved me hard enough, then I could ignore how much I hated myself.

I’m gonna skip over a few parts, but somewhere in here were my first few suicide attempts.

Enter my now-wife: originally just a long-distance friend, I became interested in her because she exuded a compatible sexuality due to a nasty breakup she was going through. We’d role-play steamy fantasies over the phone, but she’d never let things go further than friends with virtual benefits. She understood how broken I was and refused to be a shim where my self-care should have been. She’d make me recite affirmations to myself in the mirror every morning and evening until I could say nice things to myself without getting upset. Then she had me compliment myself. I was also taking some medication that helped me with anxiety and anger. It left me sometimes feeling numb, but numbness was better than self-loathing.

This all progressed until, one day, I realized that I didn’t hate myself, I was just hurting from all of my emotional scars! But something inside me did seem to hate me still… Some horrible voice that told me I’m a burden and repeated all the negative things my parents used to say to me—replay all the abuses I’d experienced. Armed with this new recognition of an emotional/mental dichotomy, I was able to have a more meaningful discussion with my psychiatrist and was prescribed medication that finally silenced that awful voice. I’m not going to pretend like I’m fully healed and everything is all better, but I’m certainly far more functional than I used to be!

Skip forward some more, this friend and I started dating after she saw that I was capable of loving myself and then we eventually moved in together in the same state and eventually got married. We’ve been married a handful of years.

Here comes the shocking part: we have never had penetrative sex. The irony of finally getting to a point where I can enjoy the idea of physically and lovingly connecting with someone… And that this person is a partner for whom I actually have that desire… But she’s become less and less sexual over the years. To the point that she now identifies as asexual. We’re now around 40 and neither of us has ever had penetrative sex.

She’s given me carte blanche permission to find a sexual partner since she feels that she can’t satisfy me, but I don’t want to. I want her or no one. Yet, I’m satisfied. Because I know that I have her whole heart and she has mine. If she someday gets to a point where she wants to experience penetrative sex with me, I’ll be ecstatic, but I won’t love her more or less dependent on that experience.

Sure, sometimes I grow frustrated, but it’s no one else’s job to relieve my frustrations. Sometimes my wife helps me, usually I help myself. I don’t think anyone but our therapists know about this and people often comment on how cute and loving we are together. And you know what? We’re happy. Truly, genuinely happy. But only because we know how to be happy with ourselves are we able to experience true happiness together with no expectations for anything other than love.

Why am I sharing all this with you (and anyone else who reads this)? Because your description of your relationship with your boyfriend sounds like a form of self-punishment. Based on what little information you shared and assumptions made from my own biases and history, your relationship sounds toxic as fuck. Even if your boyfriend is not a toxic person, your self-set expectations are making the relationship toxic. It’s unfair to you and it’s possibly unfair to your boyfriend. I’m no mental health expert or sex therapist or whatever, but it really sounds to me like you’re not in a good place in your life to be in this kind of relationship.

Normally, I’m all for people wanting to explore their sexuality and enjoying meaningless sex. But your emphasis on how important sex is and readiness to punish yourself with sex makes me think that you’re not yet capable of meaningless sex. This isn’t meant as an insult. I’m not capable of meaningless sex either. I think some people, like me, just need that emotional connection to experience a physical one. And I’m not saying that people who can have meaningless sex are heartless. I think it’s the same thing as some people being able to watch a tv show without getting too invested in the characters. We all enjoy things on different levels.

Anyway… Your relationship with your family sounds like it’s not particularly healthy either. I’m not necessarily saying that your mom and sister are bad people or that any of you are doing anything wrong.

I think you should put a pause on seeking valuable relationships and instead talk to a therapist or some specialist who can help you focus on appreciating yourself. Once you can be alone without feeling emotionally starved, and once you can set boundaries based on your self-worth, I think you’ll then be able to form meaningful, healthy relationships.

Finally, your dad sounds like an abusive narcissist. You are not a “bad girl” (unless you want/are ready to be someone’s bad girl), and you’re certainly not a bad person (at least it’s highly unlikely). People capable of earnest self-reflection like this hardly ever are. You’re just a person who’s been made to feel badly about themselves. Take a breather, speak to a therapist, learn/take medication (if needed) to value yourself more, and you’ll eventually break free from these emotional chains that you’ve been carrying since you were a child.

They’re violators