I had two months to make an application, I spent all of summer in my room on my bed, with the occasional psych-appointment (on the rare chance I didn’t cancel). So because it’s quite urgent that I submit this, my mind is shutting down, feeling sleepy despite sleeping all day, locked in my room, it’s quite warm but I feel terribly cold. I can’t ask what do I do, because I know what I need to do: just do the application! But for some reason, my mind does not want to. Like I have this IDGAF attitude when a lot is at stake if I don’t submit this application.
I’ve got no one to talk to because I don’t want to and I don’t have the energy to lie or smile. I even feel like a fraud claiming that I’m feeling apathetic because I hate this state. And hate is an emotion. I hate that I have all these memories of the person I used to be, before all this. I was punctual, less feeling, organised and my motivation run deep. Now I’m not even a shell of who I was, I don’t even aim to be like I was. I’m just aaaaaarregh.
Edit:
So after yoyoing between pitying myself and being disappointed, I took a walk, then got on the tram. Was a lot less anxious when I returned, I just did the application. The walk honestly was motivated by you guys. I feel so hypocritical that I tell this to my closest friend and my sister when this mood hits, but I can’t tell it to myself. Also, I’m still cold, but I’m okay with it because the anxiety of the application is gone now that I have submitted it (I don’t expect much from it, pessimist here, but I’m relieved it’s over and done with). Thank you. I even rescheduled my appointment, and took doses as prescribed (I’ve been intentionally missing my doses as I don’t feel any better).
I discovered this community and your post today. A lot of what you wrote rings familiar to me. It’s a cycle I am always afraid of because I know how easy it is to slip in and how hard to get out.
I start avoiding a thing and it just keeps growing, I don’t allow myself to do anything else really because the THING is still there. I distract myself with something irrelevant until I can’t stop because once I do I think about THE THING and anxiety and self-hate bubble up. Too avoid these feelings, I need to keep distracted until I am too tired to keep my eyes on the screen. By this time, morning light is already disturbing my exhausted sleep. I wake up at noon, dehydrated, and go right back to distracting.
I think that everyone’s replies are magnificent, excerpts from them got copied to my collection of good advice. I hope today finds you ok and I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggles.