My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
If you haven’t yet tried it, you should try telling him how his new state of mind is affecting you, and not just operationally but also emotionally. How is his behavior making you feel?
If he’s old fashioned, that means he sees his role as protecting others and fulfilling his duty. Old fashioned men are more apt to sacrifice their self than to sacrifice another who is in their care.
Your legitimate claim is to his role as your husband. His own life is his own life, but his role as husband is yours to lay grievance against.
Your last paragraph is something I haven’t thought of or heard before. I’ve been wanting to respect his boundaries on this, and have been struggling to feel like I have any right to say anything.
You’re also right that often times, being direct and honest is the best approach. I just need to take some time to think about the right words to say.
Thank you.
A similar success story:
My dad is in the early stages of dementia. This has been quite draining on my mom. As a result, she had been pushing him to go to a kind of day care for dementia patients. She tried over and over to convince him by telling him he would like it there, with absolutely zero success. My dad is way to stubborn to admit such a thing.
Eventually she told me about this, and I advised a change of strategies: tell him how he can help you. Focus on your needs, not his happyness. Because, although he is stubborn, he is also the kindest and most willing-to-help person I know.
She ended up telling him telling him, how she needed some time for herself, where she didn’t need to worry about him.
I now have some pictures of him, where he is smiling his ass of while on an excursion with the group of the daycare. Mom was absolutely right about him liking it, but it was useless as an argument to convince him.