My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
This may help: https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
In short: making yourself vulnerable (such as processing these issues) is courage - it’s not weakness
Sometimes us guys need to hear that - I know I personally absolutely hate to break in front of others and that makes processing a very isolating experience that feeds depression unless I’m intentional about that processing
Thank you very much for the link, and for providing male insight. I just shared this with him, and he says he’s willing to give it a listen.
That’s great! He’s welcome to message me as well if that might help break the ice a bit more.
In the vein of what s3rvant said, being vulnerable to anyone is scary because opening up and being rejected or dismissed is terrifying. At least that’s how I feel. I don’t open up to my wife anymore. She’s burned that bridge. I was hesitant on therapists until my 30s. Once I warmed up after a few sessions and realized he wasn’t going to insult me or blame me or leave me because of how messed up I am, it was nice.
I’m sorry to hear that you feel like you can’t open up to your wife. That’s gotta be rough, but based off your description of her reactions in the past, I totally get it. Glad to hear you have an alternative.
I never want my husband to feel like he can’t open up to me, so I’ll use this as a cautionary tale.
I hope you find some level of peace, trust, and communication in your marriage.