Turns out the reply in my thread telling me the best way to combat not caring about Linux is to care about Linux was absolutely correct.
I picked up a laptop, installed Linux Mint Cinnamon, and I’m already obsessed. I haven’t had this much fun with a PC in a long time and it’s just a cheapo Dell Inspiron 3520.
I hear good things about Chimera OS feeling a lot like Steam OS when you’re trying to get a similar experience for laptops, if that’s what you’re going for.