My partner and I were out at the store grabbing some groceries. I needed more gum but I highly prefer the gum in a plastic box, with the flip lid. Not the plastic cups with the cubed gum, but the box with the sticks. I simply cringe with paper box containers for gum because everything can get squished in my purse. Well, we ended up getting the paper boxed gum because he didn’t understand that I didn’t have an actual reason for my preference, I just don’t like the paper boxes. I’m now all flustered and crying and I look like I’m pitching a fit but I’m aware it’s my ‘tism. He is very aware that I live with autism and so I think his ignorance of it in this moment hurts me more than anything else.
Thanks for listening.
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But … you do have a reason for your preference.
On the more neurotypical side of things, in adults, crying is usually associated with being mentally or physically wounded in a bad way, not just frustrated. So a neurotypical partner will likely receive this as a red flag danger signal that requires immediate intervention. But from their perspective it is just gum which is not a big deal to them. This leaves them in the middle of a paradox of incompatible conclusions (emergency and just gum) that is likely to frustrate them as well (maybe a frustrated as you are they just show it differently).
If you can, share with them that you know that it is just gum and try to express to them that you know your reaction is abnormal but it is not something you can stop, and to please be patient while you fight this battle. Put it on a card in advance if you need to do you can give it to them without needing to talk. Knowing that you know you are giving what they see as an inappropriate social signal and are trying to fix it should help them by telling them you acknowledge that this isn’t a red flag emergency and that you are already trying to solve the problem but it will take time, so they know that they aren’t expected to have an immediate fix, and you acknowledge that then not being to fix it doesn’t mean that they are a bad partner.
It’s good to recognize where those feelings come from. Thanks for sharing.
It’s good to be able to explain it afterward.
I used to spend time with my wife’s uncle who is probably on the spectrum and he would have massive meltdowns any time something unexpected happened. He would usually blame other people, even after the fact. He’s a very bad person though and he bullies other autistic people over his own insecurities, which he denies. He would constantly imitate an autistic kid he saw at the mall and when the three of us went to see Ready Player One, he started laughing to himself and mocking the programmer character during the movie.
My sister was diagnosed and I’m aware that he doesn’t represent the overwhelming majority of autistic people. He used to bully her as well and was absolutely obsessed with the fact that she was a virgin before transitioning.
When you are more calm, take him aside and ask him to respect your preference. Asking for a reason why is not respecting it. He can always ask for a reason, but if you can’t give him one, he still needs to accept that you have a preference. It also does not matter if he agrees or understands.
Edit: typo.
This sums up my feelings about presents in general.
If there’s anything I want, anything at all, I’ll typically have a preference. I’ll research it, and make a decision based on a myriad of factors involved. Most things I own are deeply considered.
Typically when someone else buys something for me, their decision matrix will be reduced to “this thing fits the category of things that PancakeLegend likes”, and that’s where the consideration ends.
Given my apparent complete inability to disguise my feelings in this kind of situation, when I’m given the thing and I don’t like/need/want it I end up looking and feeling like a total a-hole. I would rather receive nothing and skip the sadness. I’ve told everyone for years not to buy me anything. I don’t let anyone outside of my family know when my birthday is.
Just reading this, it sounds like I’m an ungrateful person. I don’t want to be that person.
It’s frustrating when someone does something wrong because they don’t understand the reason why.
I think one of the reasons why this is so upsetting is because we know they were trying to be helpful, so we want to be grateful or accepting of that, while at the same time we need to convey that something was done wrong.
