He’s Hispanic too, so it’s extra mins boggling.

On the outside yes haha. I think she stopped taking it after that. And it’s the only one that works for me either. It’s just so weird!

He had redeeming qualities but he is always a manipulator and liar under it all. I really should have left long ago. He seems different than typical douchy men in that he’s progressive at least as a front, but he’s said some racist shit to me in private when in a rage that speaks the truth to who he is, despite liking black history, etc. I keep thinking about his mother lately who I haven’t seen in over 20 years, and the weird things she would do to pit her kids against each other, and dismay people by giving them gifts of literal trash. You know when people ask what the worst Christmas gift you ever got was? She would give me her very used bathrobe and other things that would be literally garbage to anyone else, that she had picked up off the ground, simply so people would be disturbed and provoked by her. She wore mosquito netting to her daughter’s outdoor wedding because West Nile was an issue that year, and is smirking in all the pictures under it. My therapist calls this malignant narcissism, and while he doesn’t give gifts of trash, instead he’ll buy me something that’s really unique and thoughtful, but if you understand the subtext it really all belongs to him, and it’s so he can post pictures on Instagram to display his fine taste in things. If I moved out and tried to take those things with me, it would quickly become clear who they really belong to. I basically own my clothes, books, and toiletries, and everything else is his. It’s partly why I can’t move out.

I wish I had had children. But not with him. I would have liked to foster kids, I would be very good at that. I hold babies and kids at church all the time and will babysit their kids, and it’s so much fun for me. I wish I had taken a different pathway. I grew up with a BPD mom, who is really dangerous and vicious and manipulative, and my therapist says when you’ve been traumatized by a parent like that, someone who is similar will seek you out and try and make it seem like they’ve rescued you.

I’m just sorry it all turned out this way. The rest of my life is reasonably happy if quiet, but this is a huge thing.

It’s so hard. I’m sorry.

His plate:

Did find his plate though.

He told me I was a deceptive little cunt and accused me of withholding money from my paycheck; one of my paychecks per month is smaller than the other simply because it’s the one my benefits and union dues come out on. I’ve worked there 20 years, and this pay pattern has always been this way. I have no idea where this psychosis suddenly came from. I have never hidden money in my life and would never. I think he got this idea because I do surveys for money, managed to save a lot of money to go clothes shopping, and I think he just couldn’t believe I made that much. I’m just tenacious. I’ve made thousands doing this. It’s super weird.

I should have left when his mother treated me like trash the first time I met her and ever since, and when I found out he lied to me when we first met in that he didn’t tell me he was in a relationship, or when he smashed the fish tank, or ran over a squirrel just to upset me, or any number of things. And I’m so financially fucked I can’t do anything.

I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship ever again even if I get out of this. How could I trust anyone? I don’t blame you for not doing it. It’s so much work and so hard.

Ambien is a weird drug under any name and I’ve done some weird shit on it, but otherwise I’d never go to bed. My friend decoupaged her dishwasher with subway maps on Ambien one night.

I don’t miss the sorry excuse for a human I used to have sex with. I miss the sex. Solo activities make me feel lonely though, and I can’t navigate someone new at this age. So it’s all just drying up like an old chip.

Dang, he doesn’t say. Did she wave her arms and hypnotize the jail clerk like the vampires on What We Do In The Shadows? Who knows.

It’s ok,I know what you mean. I would honestly rather not have sex anymore because of my circumstances being very difficult, but if I met someone who was interesting and read books and listened to music and dressed well, and took an interest in me and was happy to see me and make an effort to get to know me, and if he was 20 years younger than me, sure why not? As long as he was a good listener about how I like to do it, because I’m different than other women in how I like to get off.

But this man has overall been a disaster for me, masquerading as someone good, but just really cut from the same cloth as his malignant narcissist mother, which is pretty bad. He accused me tonight of some things that were pretty ugly, and that’s hard. I’d love to spend some time with someone who actually seemed to like me all of the time. I’m writing this while on my Ambien so it’s hard to articulate.

I’m ok with the age. I looked through some of my high school alumni group Facebook page tonight, and i look positively youthful compared to some of my classmates. 50 feels just right to me. And my bewbies still turn heads, I wore a super low cut plunging neckline dress to a restaurant last summer that is practically down to my navel, this ridiculous resort garb dress, and this one guy next to me with another woman couldn’t help but take a long lingering look down my happy valley. And I didn’t mind, because I looked good and I knew it.

Well it’s been a while, wink wink.

So bad. I’m actually afraid to be at home tonight.

On my bed on a tablet. I actually hate big screen TV because it looks fake to me. Tablet sized lets me get into the scenes.

Same. I’ll just block and move on. But I really haven’t gotten them here. But other social sites I don’t even reply.

Aww I love that you still go out at night though. I don’t unless I bus.

I just turned 50. I have an extremely good memory for events long ago, like I remember parts of being 2 years old even without difficulty. This is the first year in my life that all those things seem so very long ago though. I don’t know how to describe it, but the fact I was alive before we got answering machines suddenly makes me feel very ancient when it didn’t before. I also try to describe how horrible 1980s parenting was and nobody really gets that, like how casually you were molested or sexually pestered by adult men and nobody cared, or girls at my high school having adult boyfriends, or my teacher dating Tanya Memme when she was underage, and briefly being suspended for it because it was Catholic school, but she graduated and they went right back to it. (Tanya is a good egg though). It seems very alien to anyone I’ve talked to about it who are younger, but it really was like that, your parents did not give one fuck about your safety. That makes me feel suddenly a lot older, because nobody else seems to understand or have forgotten how bad it was.

He was released last year and has a girlfriend who looks exactly the same as his victim. Who would date a murderer of his former wife? Insane.

Wheeling some broadskis, but no puck bunnies. Get after it.

As an aside I would totally Crave and misbehave with Indian team hockey coach.

Well I’ve had a lot of fun here and almost everyone has been quite nice to me, that’s what I know.

On Livejournal back in the day you could list interests in your profile, like if you liked music or sports or whatever and you could search each other that way to find new friends. One Christmas an LJ friend had a “naked Christmas party”, where we all posted photos of ourselves naked, so I submitted my first and only topless photo online ever, minus my face, and a bunch of my friends made up an interest category for my “(username) incredible rack”. That was 25 years ago, and I’ll say with modesty that they still look pretty good. That was a fun time.